Meet the newest Pupli kid
The blue and yellow giant IKEA (found that it’s pronounced ee-kay-ah over thur) opened their location in Orlando a few months back and I made my first and hopefully last trip there for a good long while. You could then say, “Evan, but you love to consume goods and/or services, why not sooner?” Mind your own business.
It’s built at the Mall at Millenia which is Orlando #1 spot for people to shop outside of their pay grade, though the food court still has all of the same mystery food next to PF Changs, California Pizza Kitchen, Johnny Rockets and some upscale shiz.
Real quick, the food court is a strange place. 90% of the food sold is a combo plate containing small bits of chicken in a sweetish sauce, rice or noodles and mixed veg. Now, if you go to the chinese place or the cajun place you get Bourbon chicken, japanese nets you Teriyaki chicken, and mexican for sure equals diarrhea. If you’re at Millenia, head to the Bloomingdales downstairs bathroom in the Men’s Department. Now there’s only one stall, but it’s a handi-crapper close to the size of a mid-town studio, but beware…For such a classy place, they’re trying to pass off something I determined to be closer to half-ply than the luxe Charmin enlisted in mine. Get a good foot of paper there and fold it enough times to ensure you don’t siege Kamchatka in this game of tuchus Risk.
We’ve all got a little Costanza in us!
So, after Ric and I take a stroll through the mall to find me a new hoodie (metal zipper is utmost importance) in plain black and come up blank, we head over to the sprawl. I’d no idea how fecking big this place was. Probably the size of a Super Wally World and two levels, I was instantly overwhelmed by the sheer number of people and the smells of Dill and cheap plywood as incense. Snaking through predetermined routes to confuse the masses into buying random shit, we made it to the cafe.
MEATBALLS!
Finally reaching the nethers of retail, it was kitchen gadget time for this middlin consumer.
See how I spend it, after the cut.