nerditry

The white shoe with the gold BK plate. The only shoe endorsed by MC Hammer. A shoe that came out of nowhere, was part of the slap bracelet revolution and returned to nowhere for hibernation.

The late 80s and early 90s are the retro fads du jour. Plastic sunglasses with the soft neon sides are gonna be everywhere this summer. I know in the big cities, girlies are going to come out sporting spandex shorts and doing The Butt with the original E.U. (no José Manuel Barroso). I dig this style.

This is when I was first coming up and got my bike stolen. Nothing is really worse for a nine year than losing his bike. It’s how I got to school and the only real source of freedom for a kid, but more to the point it’s having to tell your folks. Unless that bike was locked up and photographed for evidence, it is 100% always your fault. The bike took me as far as the mall (across the street, but really a mile) on one side, CB Smith park on the other, Al’s Baseball Card Store, Pizza Hut (you know the lunch buffet is grizzly) and over speed bump ramps…till the lights came on. If you spent your time outside, you know when the light comes on that your ass is on borrowed time.

Back to the front, though.

British Knights were introduced via Nickelodeon, the greatest channel in the history of viewing and mostly on Double Dare if memory serves (n. Takeshi Kaga). Our (Wink Martindale + Chuck Woolery)/Dave Coulier is the immortal Marc Summers, who now controls the vast majority of what is programmed on the Food Channel. Oh, and I can’t forget sidekick Robin and her great efforts to succeed Vanna White in the pantheon.

Marc was hip, he wore jeans with a sport coat and pushed up the sleeves and kept his shoes white and too crisp for a slime-laden obstacle course. The BKs were a prize on the obstacle course, usually toward the front and I can’t think that it would have ever been awarded after the fifth obstacle. These were some fly ass high tops which were marketed directly to kids, which was different than Nike or Reebok which didn’t feature prominently outside of target audiences of adults. The tiny gold badge was a sign that you were up on what was new and matched the bling of one’s tiny gold necklace (mine included a UMiami helmet charm).

I never got a pair of these. My mom never spent more than $50 back in the day for any pair of shoes and even in high school kept it in the sub $75 range. And it’s because of that I don’t think I’m going to pimp a pair now. It would have been different if I had them and wanted to reminisce which is the same reason that you don’t see me flossing the Z Cavaricci 100-loop throwbacks or Dolphins Zubaz. I do suggest them for anyone trying to make in real early 90s and I’ll even throw in a Hypercolor shirt.

Searching around for old basketball memorabilia on the bay, I got smacked in the face with fashion for Barcelona 1992. I remember seeing the commercials for Kellogg’s cereal advertising this jacket which you could only get by sending in a proof of purchase(s) and some generally small amount of money…think under $25.00 and this beauty could be yours.

I was not dying for one in having to own one, but like Guitar Hero, I needed to see it in person to make an informed decision. When that day finally came somewhere in Pembroke Lakes, FLA I was presented with a unique piece to say the least. Imagine a pillowy, matte white trash bag with elastic round both sleeves and the waistband all crimped up and ready to endure suffering through Blossom to watch the Fresh Prince[||]. The cheapest part of this getup? They used the exact same pictures on teh front and back! Looks like Stockton, Bird, Malone, Robinson and Mullin.

Now check out who made the jacket in conjunction with Big Bran? TYVEK!

These are the same folks that make the plastic sheets that go around new houses under construction and all the other goodness that comes with a dwelling. This is DuPont mother bitches. These guys have their fingers in everything including all of the secret societies that everyone seems to know about these days: Skull and Bones, Freemasons, Knights Templar, Bilderberger, Trilateral Commission, Council on Foreign Relations, The O-Jays, occassional touring members of Parliament Funkadelic in the 1990s (this didn’t include a Cameo (n. Word Up! re: Korn sucks) in PCU), Separate Ways (a Journey cover band), S.C.U.M. (we’re the Planeteers, you can be one too) or S.P.E.C.T.R.E.

What they have done is stepped up the level of fashion possible when it’s time to not inhale some kind of avian death. God help us all if that shit breaks out at Pollo Tropical because Florida will just up and fall off the map altogether. The country will be geographically circumcised and we’ll be floating back to Cuba…

This is the Tychem CPF 4. Biggest benefit? Level B splash protective. I’m thinking in my world this would translate to necessary kit after any trip to McDonald’s for breakfast. Never, ever eat the Steak and Egg Bagel. That thing got me sick enough in 2 hours that I had to go home and crap that stomach guy from Total Recall.

Tychem Reflector. This is for going into space with. By space I mean reenacting the scene in Rocket Man where dude farts in his moon suit. Drug up a friend, slip them in here and create the world’s most perfect dutch oven. Next Halloween go as future Marty scaring the shit out of his dad with Van Halen.

To keep it old school, for the discerning germophobe.

We’re just lucky they didn’t make Magic wear one of these against Angola.

Face facts. Uncle Luke Skywalker King of Miami is most famous for Doo Doo Brown. If you’re really from South Florida or had THE BOX!!! then you know who the real originators of the Doo Doo Sound is.

Let me take it to 1991, let me bring you cycling hats as high fashion, spandex shorts, Z Cavaricci with hundreds of belt loops and pleats, BUM Equipment and Cross Colours.

Friends, take it back to the Box, charge $1.99 to your mom’s phone bill and swing to the dulcet tones of 2 Hyped Brothers and a Dog. The Real Doo Doo Brown.

Note, check out the directing credits. Wonder if one of those guys ever did anything?